im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
