all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
