I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
