At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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