So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
