the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
