I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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