Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
