VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Randomize
