It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
