I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
