I wish my penis had an off switch
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
