ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
