He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
