I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
