I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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