I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
