hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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