Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
