i love accidental penises.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
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Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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