did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
