I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
