i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
