just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
