i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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