Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i just google imaged poop.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I need to align my fucking chakras
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
