I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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