maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize