I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
