we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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