Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
