Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
