Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
