Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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