How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
