I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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