I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
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I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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