you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
