I love watching others lives come down to our level.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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