No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
