who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
