Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
