There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
