Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Will exercising make me less horny?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
