I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
