Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
