My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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