He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
