wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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