I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
