I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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