I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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