I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
