wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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