if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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